The question that’s plagued my head from an early age continues to demand my attention as I sit on the balcony and contemplate the stars. Turning 40 this year I realise I am no closer to the answer.

The stars; so bright, reliable and consistent. Appearing each evening to shine over us with their serene stillness. Do they know their purpose? Do they worry about not achieving enough, time running out, making mistakes, having regrets? Are they closer to the truth? Do they know how they got there? I am a sensitive soul, I feel pain when I see the darkness in the world, in ourselves, I feel overwhelmed at the huge responsibility of life. I love with passion and hurt with depth, and at times have wanted so much to numb my feelings and escape the angst of existence. I realise all of this means I qualify as being human. I take a moment to feel the panic start to rise in my belly, followed by the familiar flutters of anxiety in my abdomen  as I face the emptiness, I don’t know what it’s all about, I don’t know why I’m here. My heart starts to race, chest tightens, my mind stepping up it’s assault on my lack of knowledge, ‘You’re so  stupid, You know nothing, No-one will love you if you don’t even know why you’re here! ‘ I take a deep breathe feeling the air expanding my chest, I rub my sticky palms together, I bring my attention back to the twinkling lights set in the black sky and really focus. My mind is fighting for attention, but the stillness of the stars embraces me in a hold of relief,  the vastness of the nights sky grounds and humbles me. I notice my heart rate slow, my forehead smoothing out its wrinkles, my jaw releasing and my shoulders relaxing  down onto my back. I’m here right now and this is why, I feel grateful, I feel present, I feel filled with joy, there’s no questions, no need for answers.

I am here NOW and THIS is all it’s about.

Jihan Sibany

Many thanks to Jihan Sibany for this beautiful post.
Jihan joined us on retreat and is an Integrative Counsellor at her own practice